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The year of 2025 is over, & I am incredibly grateful & appreciative for such an eventful year. The biggest milestone of that year was my child turning 5. I cannot believe she is already half a decade old already. Five years in, & I still cannot believe that I am a mother, a caretaker of another human being that I helped to create. I mean, I still feel like a child myself most days. How could I possibly be responsible for a child of my own? It’s hard for me to wrap my head around it, but it’s happening, & I am figuring it out minute-by-minute.
Here are a few other things that I am grateful for that happened in 2025:
- I’ve made some small, yet positive steps towards changing a few stubborn habits & behavioral patterns
- I’ve learned to be slightly less of a ‘helicopter parent’
- I went on TWO major & meaningful overseas vacations
- I strengthened relationships with family members I have struggled to communicate with in the past
- I was able to take my mom on a significant & core-memory-making overseas trip with her youngest granddaughter (for context, she has never been on any significant trip with any of her grandchildren, ever.)
- I only (unwillingly) listened to &/or heard the song All I Want for Christmas is You by Mariah Carey THREE TIMES throughout the entire Thanksgiving/Christmas holiday season.
- Plenty of western Christmas music was played all throughout the Asian countries I visited during my 3-week autumn/winter vacation, but I only heard Mariah’s voice blaring once the entire time. Hallelujah!
Seriously, you don’t understand how grateful I am for that last item on my list. Well, I mean, I don’t necessarily hate that particular song, but hearing it more than a few of times (& I used to work in retail at my local shopping mall for a few years) can be incredibly annoying & boring.
As for this new year, 2026…I am not sure if I am looking forward to what lies ahead. I have mixed feelings as of right now. My child is about to leave preschool & move on to elementary/primary school. If you’ve been following my blog since the beginning, you’ll understand that I am extremely afraid of any type of change…like, life-altering/milestone types of change, not change in weather or fashion, or tv shows…so, I am feeling mixed bouts of anxiety at the moment. Maybe that’s what triggered me being ill at the very start of the new year. Who knows? I probably just need to build up my immune system. (I’ve been under the weather more times in the past year than any other year within the last decade.) We’ll see. Until the next one, hope for the best.
Song of the Day:
I don’t mean to start this blog post off with drama, but the family “tea” just got turnt up to scalding hot, basically. Ugh! Why can’t our tea cups be empty for once?! Well anyway, I’m not going to get into specifics (as I usually say), but I will hint that a psychiatric evaluation is in order. Ok, maybe not that severe, but perhaps more like a psychological evaluation instead. That’s all I’m going to address on that topic.
So, it’s a new year & a whole new decade. I don’t have any elaborate resolutions in the new year. I only have one resolution, & that is to be more mindful of the things I say. More specifically that means that I want to continue to learn how to be less impulsive & careless in my abrupt/hasty reactions to situations, especially with the things I say. I want to incorporate more patience in my continuance to learn as well.
Often times, when a heated situation arises, & I open my spontaneous mouth to speak, I think I am being quick-witted, snarky, or justifiably defensive &/or reprimanding. However, I have come to learn that every time in those instances, I come off as offensive, ignorant of the “bigger picture”, naïve, narrow-minded, & a few times arrogant &/or judgmental. I often times end up with a proverbial foot in my mouth (sometimes two feet). My wayward lips just can’t seem to stop flapping about when it would be more wise to remain quiet, which is my roundabout way of saying I don’t know when to shut up.
Let me give you an example or two just for context. In the first instance, whenever I get into an argument or debate with Jian, I always get rightfully put in my place. I will say the first things on my mind impulsively without thinking through whether or not my statements are relevant or helpful to my argument. Jian will step in to correct my statements, or try to steer the conversation back on track, but I will only bolster my stubbornness & dig my heels in further to back up my abrupt comments. I don’t think my thoughts through. I just throw out a bunch of words hoping they will stick to something. My arguing style is very haphazard & careless, which is why I can never fully win an argument with Jian.
In the second instance, I become extremely reactionary when it comes to specific people in my life with whom I have a highly strained relationship. Oh, man. I am not exaggerating when I say I have a highly strained relationship with this person, not even a little bit. Whenever we get together with this person, the whole room fills with uncomfortable tension. As soon as the conversation starts, I can already feel my impulsive reactions bubbling to the surface waiting to explode. I have a difficult time stopping myself from shouting “You’re wrong! Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah…” or something a little more colorful & off-hand.
I got my first taste of learning in the moment on how to bite my tongue when I don’t need to insert myself into a conversation during this past Christmas holiday. That specific person came home for the holidays & things had already been strained from previous incidents, yet this past Christmas break was especially awkward. There were more than a few times when I wanted to jump up onto the kitchen table & shout at this person directly to their face. However, I truly tried to enact actual change in my behavior by chanting to myself softly under my breath, “Do not react. Do not engage.”
You see, I really do want to succeed in this resolution. I understand that running my mouth doesn’t solve or do anything. I end up right where I started, at square one with nothing to show for it but with a whole lotta proverbial egg on my face & metaphorical feet in my mouth. I do have patience, as in I have patience in doing menial & repetitive tasks, but I understand that I have to channel that patience towards more useful aspects of my life…like when it comes to talking with others. This past Christmas holiday really, truly, taught me so much on how to approach my resolution for the new year. I am excited to see how far I will have come in my mental maturity. Until the next post, cheers!
Today’s song of the day:
Christmas is over. All of my relatives have come & gone. My older brother came home, & I felt tension radiating off of him, probably from the stresses of his demanding job. My sister & her two kids came crashing in like a chaotic tornado. The more time progresses, the more new things I learn about my sister, but also the more she easily irritates & frustrates me. I find myself easily becoming angry &/or flying off the handle the more I spend time with my siblings.
I try to be accommodating to my brother & sister. I try to make their lives more comfortable. That’s engrained in my personality, to take care of & to comfort others. However, I’ve learned over this past Christmas holiday, that it often comes at my own expense. I sacrifice my own happiness, comfort, & (sometimes) sanity to make other people’s lives more comfortable. I don’t ever seek recognition or much validation, but a little compromising &/or acknowledgment goes a long way.
Last year, during the same time of the year, I had a HUGE & COMPLETE meltdown. I broke down into tears & was sobbing uncontrollably for hours. I mean, I had a mental breakdown, & it scared the hell out of me. I’ve never cried like that in my entire life, not even when my dad passed away. What was I having a meltdown about? One of my “to-be-unnamed” family members disrupted my housekeeping routine, & completely LOST IT! I don’t recall throwing a tantrum, but I vividly remember breaking down into utter sobs so intense I gave myself a panic attack & lost control of my breathing. I was half crying, half gasping for breath, so much so that Jian seriously considered taking me to the hospital.
It was then & there, well, after I had regained my composure, that I recognized this episode as a genuine wake up call to loosen the reins on my compulsion for cleanliness & strict housekeeping. I could not allow myself to freak out every time someone didn’t clean the house to my standards, or didn’t do something exactly the way I would have or wanted them to. I’m a Taurus astrology sign, so I can easily become stubborn, easily dig my heels into the ground & not budge, & easily let myself get angry. I learned from a very early age in my life how to maintain a home & how to be domesticated from my mother. So, when I perform my own housekeeping in my house, I do everything exactly the way my mom taught me, & I don’t stray from her exacting steps. I realized last year that I couldn’t go through life being so rigid & straightforward like that. There’s going to be a cuss-load of times where I cannot control the steps. I had to loosen my “grip”, so to speak. People will make messes, & I will just have to deal with it accordingly. I can’t spend my whole life trailing behind others with a vacuum & a dust rag. I told myself then, I’m not giving up my controlling ways, but I’m toning it down several notches.
This year, I also had another meltdown. I finally confessed to Jian that I’ve been carrying around a cuss-load of emotional stress & baggage. He told me that it is very unhealthy to keep all of my emotional stress bottled up. I told him that I had no other choice. I wanted to protect my mother & to not put any emotional stress on her, especially since she still feels so emotional over my dad’s passing. There’s already intense tension between my sister & older brother. As much as they love each other, they can’t stop fighting like cats & dogs. That makes my mom sad, to see her older kids fight, & I can see that it worries her out a little. I try to keep the peace as much as possible, & not “rock the boat”, & to shield my mom from as much stress & worry as I can, but then all of that pressurized burden falls on my shoulders.
As much as my mom is one of my closest confidants, it’s difficult for me to talk to her about this. Sometimes I find it hard to talk to Jian too because it’s difficult for him to relate to my issues when he was raised as an only child with very few cousins to interact with. Dear, sweet Jian tries to help me sort through & process all of my thoughts & emotions in a practical/sensible way, & I try to control my stubbornness & sometimes defeatist attitude. I think I’m making slight progress.
There have been many times, this Christmas alone, where I wanted to wring my sister’s neck or grab her by the shoulders & give her a good hard shake & scream, “What the hell is wrong with you?” straight to her face, but somehow, I was able to draw upon Jian’s practicality & wisdom, & I was able to take a step back every now & again to let myself cool down. I actually went with the flow some of the time, & pushed my immediate stressed feelings out of myself in order to stop & think before I reacted. My sister is a sloppy person, leaving clothes & used bath towels strewn all over the bedroom floor. All of her belongings are in messy piles all over the place, & she can never put a dirty dish/cup in the sink to save her life. Her children, in turn, learn those habits/mannerisms from their mother, & do as she does. They are equally messy, but to add another layer to this disaster, all three of them tend to be quite careless with their belongings. For example, my niece, in her throes of rough playing around her house, stepped on her expensive tablet & cracked the screen. She gave it no second thought whatsoever. My sister has lost her mobile phone so many times, in this year alone, that she now has to buy an expensive protection plan in case of loss or theft. The kids hate wearing jackets, even if it’s minus 14 degrees (Fahrenheit) outside, & they’ll throw their jackets on to the floor & walk away if they don’t want to wear their jackets.
All this time, I want to scream, tear my hair out, cry, shout, ball my fists & stomp my feet like a whiny toddler, but I was able to mentally talk myself off the edge of that cliff so many times this Christmas holiday. That made me feel like I’m clearly on my way to a more mature & composed self. That’s one of my goals for the year, to keep progressing my inner self, & to break away from my anger. I feel like I’m off to a good start. At least I think I am. I still have a very long way to go. Until then, cheers!
Today’s song of the day:
Rabbits & Foxes 
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