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full of twists and turns

May is shaping up to be an interesting month. I cannot believe the turn of events my life has taken within these past two years. I never in my life thought that I would be talking about this, but this is an extremely personal (& I feel is a very private) topic that I rarely ever address/talk about. From the time I was a small child all the way up to my adulthood, I’ve never considered myself to be very motherly, or carry any sort of maternal drive. I’ve always emphatically proclaimed that I would never ever, ever want to have children.

Of course watching the movie “Knocked Up” starring actors Katherine HeiglSeth Rogen really solidified that statement for me even more. I mean, the way that movie vividly, graphically, & accurately, portrayed childbirth really scared me shitless, & basically reaffirmed my choice not to have children. I know I shouldn’t base such a monumental, life-changing decision from what I see in those overblown, Hollywood movies, but I was already on the “not-gonna-happen” train, & it was barrelling down the tracks at full speed.

However, all of those lofty declarations came crashing down these past two years, & I’ve been taking the steps to procreate. I strongly dislike talking about my body, my health, or talking about women’s issues (like having a baby). It makes me feel extremely uncomfortable. When my older cousin (who is one year older than me) was going through her process of procreating, she kept asking me questions about whether or not I was planning on procreating anytime soon, & if so, which steps would I be taking to become pregnant. That conversation made me so visibly uncomfortable, I had to get up & walk away from the table. That’s how uncomfortable I get when asked about such a subject.

So it boils down to this. I am trying to have a baby. I’ve been taking the necessary steps to procreate, & I am actually getting excited (albeit, also extremely nervous at the same time). I just know in my heart of hearts that Jian will be a good dad (kind of weird too, but still great). As for myself, I think I’ll make it out alright (hopefully, I’ve got my fingers crossed). I’m also super lucky & fortunate to have my mom living with me, so I’m definitely going to be relying a lot on her past experiences, sage wisdom, & helpful advice. We’ll see how things turn out in the near future. Until then, cheers baby!

Today’s song of the day:

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img_5180March was simply a crazy month. A lot of things happened. I re-visited Vancouver, BC for the first time in over 25+ years. I’ve been helping my mom deal with her sciatica. My just-entered-university cousin came to stay for her spring break holiday. Also, other, more heartbreaking family events happened (within a span of one week). The month of March went by in a blur, & now it’s already April. I don’t even want to think about this month, my upcoming birthday, or spring. I still wish it was winter, where I could layer my pea coats & scarves over my warm sweaters, but I now have to take out my short sleeved t-shirts from storage, & start showing off my flabby, out-of-shape arms. (Nobody wants to see that, especially myself).

I already wrote at length how my trip to Vancouver went, so I’m not going to go into too much detail here, but needless to say, I can’t wait until I get to visit Vancity again. I had so much fun with my mom, but I can’t wait until the next time when I get to explore the city all by myself. I quite enjoy sitting at a café &/or coffee shop by myself with my tablet, & spend a good portion of the day sipping coffee, reading, & people watching.

buffalo check moutains

In other happy news, I’m going to another music concert! I’m super excited to be going to see Nathaniel Rateliff & the Night Sweats in concert as the headlining band. I saw NRATNS perform live once before, but they only played a short set, as they were one out of two bands opening for Kings of Leon. I had bought tickets for that concert thinking that I would get to see a full set performed by NRATNS, but alas, they were only one of two opening acts that night. I was extremely pumped up when I saw an app notification that this very band was going to be traveling on tour for their newly released album Tearing At The Seams. I grabbed Jian by the shoulders & begged him to go to this concert with me. He was reluctant at first, since he was waffling back & forth on whether or not he should go chase down Arctic Monkeys (who are currently gearing up for a new album & possible album tour in the near future by appearing at all the music festivals) at the Firefly Festival in Dover, DE or at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery. In the end, Jian decided to spend his birthday with me watching NRATNS perform all their greatest hits like: S.O.B., You Worry Me, I need Never Get Old, Hey Mama, & Howling At Nothing. I can’t wait to bust out my NRATNS band t-shirt & a worn-in denim jacket, grab a whiskey libation in the VIP lounge (yes, we shelled out a little more buckaroos for VIP tickets because we’re extra like that, & we like clean, private bathrooms) & rock out to one of my all-time favorite rock bands.

Nathaniel Rateliff and the Night Sweats9A

Aside from all of that, I had a cousin stay at my place this past week for her Spring Break holiday. This cousin that came to visit & I are very close in relationship (even though we are not close in age whatsoever), & I was so surprised & touched that she asked to spend her precious break time from university at my house. I mean, this is my cousin’s first official Spring Break holiday as a university student, & I was kind of expecting her to want to spend that time with her friends, or with her new (& first) boyfriend, or at least go home, be lazy, & veg out on the couch. She stayed for the week, & we had a blast together soaking up the beautiful weather, playing board games in the evenings, & just spending quality time having heart-to-heart chats about life, school, & love. I feel like I’ve learned so much more about my cousin & how much she’s evolved, more so than maturing because she’s always been extremely mature for her age, so I don’t doubt her existing maturity (or young wisdom) at all. It was so much fun, & I do hope that my cousin takes up my invitation of visiting my place again but with her boyfriend next time.

In more somber news, major events happened over the last half of the month that were just extremely tragic & upsetting. Everything happened practically within the span of one week. I’m not going to go into any details, to respect the privacy of those closest to me who are directly involved, but I can only say that it is extremely difficult to process sudden loss. I know this from first-hand experience, which is something I don’t wish on anybody. Seeing the people most closest to me going through such a difficult time in their lives only brings back my memories of what I’ve gone through in my own life & with my family. I think a lot about my dad & his side of the family, about how my dad came from a large family, & now only approximately 1/3rd of the family remains. My grandparents & their generation: long gone. My uncles & aunts: gone, all of them. My dad: now going on the 6th anniversary of his passing. All that’s left are the spouses who married into the family, & their children from my generation. I do have a few nephews & nieces from the next generation, but our family tree has been greatly reduced. I can only offer my utmost support to those in my life who are experiencing loss at a time like this. Our circumstances aren’t exactly the same, but I can offer my own version of care & support.

I think I’m going to end my blog post here because I don’t want to get into too much sad detail. Even after all this time, it’s hard for me to wrap my head around all of this, & it makes me think of my dad’s situation all over again. Until next time, cheers.

Today’s song of the day:

After being severely ill (unfortunately after Christmas, I got the flu virus that everyone’s passing around these days), & getting through the new year, I’ve decided to gather all of my random thoughts, ideas, & other bits & bobs floating around in my head. This idea suddenly came to me the other day after I had dreamt two very bizarre & completely unrelated dreams. Here goes nothing.

1.) This thought has been stuck in my brain for a long time now, & I’m finally going to express it here. You know that song by Demi Lovato called SorryNotSorry? Well, I get the generic meaning of the song, you know, all about empowerment & not letting haters bring you down & all that good stuff. Well, every single time I hear that song on the radio, which is about 80 times a day, I can’t help but feel like this song is misinterpreting it’s own meaning. What I’m trying to say, to put it bluntly, is that I think this song is openly & arrogantly bragging about how much better you are than all your haters. Dude, there’s no subtle way to insert a “humble brag”. Bragging is in no way humble (or acceptable). To me, this song is just one long, public Cuss You to some bro you dated who disrespected your relationship, so you had to kick him to the curb, & then publicly shame him with your arrogant, pretentious lyrics. If you’re going to prove to someone or a group of haters that you’re doing better than they expected, or that you actually came out on top in the end, then show them! You don’t need to write an entire brag song about how much better off you are. Prove it with your results, your actions, & most importantly, don’t throw it in their faces & rub it in. Now that also just proves that you’re not actually better off, & that you’re stooping to their level, which I hope you vowed you’d never do. I can’t wait until this song finally loses its popularity & we can get better music on the radio.

2.) I have come to the conclusion that I could never own a pet. Don’t get me wrong. I love animals. However, I don’t feel any sort of emotional attachment to any particular animals. I’m not a cat person, nor am I Team Dog. Some of my relatives have dogs. I have a few friends who own both dogs & cats. They’re all great pets, well behaved & fun to play with, but it doesn’t make me have any feelings of wanting a pet of my own. I just can’t imagine myself getting so emotionally attached to a pet, or spending so much money on one animal. I can get by on financing my own human lifestyle. I can’t imagine the cost of having a pet (toys, food, medical, etc.). Pets are fun to play with, it I don’t want one for myself. This past weekend I saw all the fuss & complicated plans my friends went through with taking care of their dogs just to be able to go to a rock concert for one night. With all of the traveling that I do, I don’t think a pet would fit into my life. Jian constantly jokes about getting a dog, but when I remind him of how much work goes into caring for a pet, he immediately backs off of the subject. So, in the end, no pets for me.

3.) I have become irrationally infatuated with a popular UK actor. My fascination with this actor has become almost to the point of unhealthy & obsessive. This actor is currently making his rounds on all of the media outlets (magazine articles, talk show interviews, press tour Q&A’s). His most anticipated movie is premiering this weekend. I have been ardently following stalking his press tour on the internet lately, & the more I get to know this actor, the more endearing & attractive he becomes to me. I wish I could just let him go or better yet, block him from my mind. He’s just another incredibly good-looking Hollywood star. These types of guys are splashed all over the entertainment media news all the time. However, I am way too attracted to him. It only bums me out that this guy is very happily married to someone else with a growing family. I want him to be happy, of course, but my inner fangirl is both jealous & envious of the woman who holds his heart all to herself. I hope that once all the hoopla surrounding this guy’s highly anticipated movie dies down…like after the movie has been released…I can take a step away from his fandom & take a much needed breath/break. It’s kind of naiive & stupid of me to say this because as much as I try to take a step away from this actor’s fandom, I get thrust right back into the thick of it. Last weekend when I was in Los Angeles to watch The Killers in concert, I ran into this very actor while we were both eating at the same Italian restaurant. I spotted him having dinner with his wife & his agent a couple of short tables diagonally across from mine. I was of course fangirling & freaking out on the inside, but trying to act discreet & polite on the outside. Out of respect for this man, I did not take any stealthy ninja-like photos under the table with my smartphone. I did not approach him for an autograph or small talk. I very much kept to myself & observed him having a very animated yet quiet dinner with his dining companions as mentioned previously. As much as the crazy fangirl inside of me wanted him to notice me &/or pay any attention to me, I let him carry on with his life, & I carried on with mine…all the while, ogling this man from afar in a sort of non-discreet fashion.

4.) Speaking of fandoms, I have just secured my forever fandom of the rock band The Killers. I just went to one of their arena tour concerts, & it was one of the most memorable highlights of my concert-going experiences. I’ve already seen The Killers perform in concert 3 other times, & they were always in smaller concert venues. This time Jian & I made a weekend trip down to Los Angeles to see them perform at the Staples Center (where the Lakers play basketball). Man, oh man! I screamed & sang my lungs/heart out. I was buzzing with anticipation for this concert ever since I bought my ticket. It wasn’t only because we were going to see The Killers live, but we were also going to the concert with our best friends who have never been to a single music concert in their lives. They had no idea of the epic-ness that was about to blow their minds away. The four of us had the best time singing along & dancing in our seats. One thing I can definitely say about Brandon Flowers, the lead singer & co-founder of the band, is that he is a true showman with an incredible voice & vocal range. I guess that the Las Vegan in him. I mean, he is from fabulous Las Vegas, Nevada after all, & when The Killers celebrated the grand reopening of the newly renovated convention center in Las Vegas, Brandon walked on to the stage with two glammed-up showgirls on each arm. The band (at the time, consisting of only 2 original members & new back-up members) was so amazing to their fans. The biggest highlight of the concert was when they invited a teenage fan in the audience to come on to the stage to perform a song with them. That teenage girl totally killed it on the drums to the song “For Reasons Unknown”. The whole crowd was going nuts for this fan who got a once-in-a-lifetime experience with a seriously cool, caring, & heartwarming band. I will always remain a diehard fan of The Killers.

5.) While we’re on the subject of music & bands, I just wanted to make a note that I have become obsessed with the band Portugal. The Man! This band has captured my heart (& my listening ears). I love how all of the band members grew up together since their high school days living in Alaska. When being interviewed, the band often mentions that their parents were all supportive of them all being in a band together, & their parents encouraged their musical aspirations. It’s not only that their songs have catchy melodies & hooks, but their song lyrics are so incredible & creative.  I love how the band writes songs about their families, historical & current social issues, & about this current generation of millennials. Some of my favorite songs include:

ptm top 5

6. I’m so pumped up for this 2018 Winter Olympics!! I love watching the Olympics every time they’re broadcast on TV. I love the winter games more than the summer games, but my most favorite part is the opening ceremonies. I love seeing what each host city will create to showcase their city & country. Every time a new city is announced as the host city, I get super excited for the next Olympics. I am the most excited for the 2020 Tokyo Summer Olympics, & I am hoping that I can arrage it so that I can actually be in Tokyo during that time…like try to stay with my cousins or some friends, but we’ll see. Until then, I’m going to enjoy these winter games in South Korea. I’m off to watch the opening ceremonies on TV now. Cheers!

Today’s song of the day:

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