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I just had a very random thought sometime last night while I was getting ready to take a bath. I was thinking about Jian & how accepting & tolerating he is regarding my obsession with drag queens. Yes, you read that correctly. I am talking about drag queens, professional cross-dressers who do uncomfortable things to hide their male anatomy for the sake of looking more feminine than the average female.

When I first met Jian, I never told him about my intense fascination with drag queens. Then as our relationship progressed into a more “let it all hang out” comfortable stage, I let him in on my fascination with drag queens. He couldn’t understand it at first. He thought my interest in drag queens was weird & dumb, but then one night in our apartment, he caught me watching the TV show Ru Paul’s Drag Race. For the first five minutes or so of the show Jian thought it was stupid, but as I kept up with the weekly episodes, Jian got more & more invested in watching the show as well. He would ask me questions about the drag queens, like what their names were & if I have heard of any of them before the show. Then, he got really into watching the show with me to see who the winner of that season would be (it was Sharon Needles, by the way). That was the major turning point where I knew Jian was more accepting of my intense interest in the drag queen culture.

I don’t even know how I ever learned about drag queens in the first place, but since I live so close to San Francisco, I guess I was bound to stumble upon these glorious peoples in one way or another. I saw drag queen comedians on television, but I never really understood that culture or what kind of impression it would leave on my life. I remember one time in high school when I traveled to San Francisco on the weekend with my friends & we were hanging out around the Haight-Ashbury district. I walked into a gift shop selling a bunch of random knick knacks & novelty souvenirs, & I happened to be browsing their rotating postcards rack when I noticed one funny postcard with two drag queens right on the front. From that point on I was hooked. Seeing that postcard photo of two men, with scruffy facial hair & a full face of makeup, wearing  over-the-top wigs & womens clothes…it really spoke to me. It grabbed my attention so hard & shook me to the core.

Ever since then, I’ve just been so drawn to the crazy, glitzy, fast-paced, foul-mouthed world of drag queens. A part of my obsession with drag queens stems from jealousy. Yes, I am jealous of drag queens. Not that I wish to be a man wearing womens clothes, but I often fill myself with self-doubt, & critique my body build/shape. I look at myself in the mirror sometimes & feel like I have a non-descript, semi-tomboy body shape. Ok, that’s a kind of an exaggeration, but I do feel like I’m neither tomboy-ish, nor am I girly/feminine. Then I look at drag queens, dudes who wear womens clothes & impossibly high-heeled uncomfortable shoes, & I think to myself: “Damn, that dude looks more feminine in a dress than I do.” Well, a lot of drag queens look more feminine than a lot of actual women on this planet, so… it’s not uncommon.

I love drag queens. I love their over-exaggerated personalities, their costumes & fashion, their ability to wear uncomfortable womens pumps, their quick-witted humor, & their potty mouths that would make a salty sailor blush. Everything about the drag queen culture is fast-paced & extreme glitter. Although, I’m not sure I’d be into wearing 15 pounds of thicc makeup. I’m not a makeup wearing person. ((I’m a skincare kind of gal, so I don’t have to wear makeup on a daily basis.)

Every time we come across a drag queen on TV or on a billboard advert, Jian will point that entertainer out to me with excitement. He will ask me whether I know that particular entertainer or not, & we have a fun time talking about it. I feel kind of bad though that I haven’t been keeping up with the newer seasons of Ru Paul’s TV competition show, but I still keep up with all of the drama on social media as I do follow one of my favorite ‘queens’ on Instagram & YouTube. I would one day love to see a drag queen performance live, but Jian isn’t at that point where he feels comfortable enough to go with me to watch a live show. He is making progress though, like now he likes to use the popular drag phrase “yaaasss kween”, & that is just about all I have to say on this so-called thought barf. I’m heading to Los Angeles this weekend to celebrate my female cousin’s birthday. I can’t believe she’s turning the big 4-0hhhhhh. I’m glad the weather is not going to be warm this weekend. Until next time, cheers!

Today’s song of the day:

full of twists and turns

May is shaping up to be an interesting month. I cannot believe the turn of events my life has taken within these past two years. I never in my life thought that I would be talking about this, but this is an extremely personal (& I feel is a very private) topic that I rarely ever address/talk about. From the time I was a small child all the way up to my adulthood, I’ve never considered myself to be very motherly, or carry any sort of maternal drive. I’ve always emphatically proclaimed that I would never ever, ever want to have children.

Of course watching the movie “Knocked Up” starring actors Katherine HeiglSeth Rogen really solidified that statement for me even more. I mean, the way that movie vividly, graphically, & accurately, portrayed childbirth really scared me shitless, & basically reaffirmed my choice not to have children. I know I shouldn’t base such a monumental, life-changing decision from what I see in those overblown, Hollywood movies, but I was already on the “not-gonna-happen” train, & it was barrelling down the tracks at full speed.

However, all of those lofty declarations came crashing down these past two years, & I’ve been taking the steps to procreate. I strongly dislike talking about my body, my health, or talking about women’s issues (like having a baby). It makes me feel extremely uncomfortable. When my older cousin (who is one year older than me) was going through her process of procreating, she kept asking me questions about whether or not I was planning on procreating anytime soon, & if so, which steps would I be taking to become pregnant. That conversation made me so visibly uncomfortable, I had to get up & walk away from the table. That’s how uncomfortable I get when asked about such a subject.

So it boils down to this. I am trying to have a baby. I’ve been taking the necessary steps to procreate, & I am actually getting excited (albeit, also extremely nervous at the same time). I just know in my heart of hearts that Jian will be a good dad (kind of weird too, but still great). As for myself, I think I’ll make it out alright (hopefully, I’ve got my fingers crossed). I’m also super lucky & fortunate to have my mom living with me, so I’m definitely going to be relying a lot on her past experiences, sage wisdom, & helpful advice. We’ll see how things turn out in the near future. Until then, cheers baby!

Today’s song of the day:

img_5180March was simply a crazy month. A lot of things happened. I re-visited Vancouver, BC for the first time in over 25+ years. I’ve been helping my mom deal with her sciatica. My just-entered-university cousin came to stay for her spring break holiday. Also, other, more heartbreaking family events happened (within a span of one week). The month of March went by in a blur, & now it’s already April. I don’t even want to think about this month, my upcoming birthday, or spring. I still wish it was winter, where I could layer my pea coats & scarves over my warm sweaters, but I now have to take out my short sleeved t-shirts from storage, & start showing off my flabby, out-of-shape arms. (Nobody wants to see that, especially myself).

I already wrote at length how my trip to Vancouver went, so I’m not going to go into too much detail here, but needless to say, I can’t wait until I get to visit Vancity again. I had so much fun with my mom, but I can’t wait until the next time when I get to explore the city all by myself. I quite enjoy sitting at a café &/or coffee shop by myself with my tablet, & spend a good portion of the day sipping coffee, reading, & people watching.

buffalo check moutains

In other happy news, I’m going to another music concert! I’m super excited to be going to see Nathaniel Rateliff & the Night Sweats in concert as the headlining band. I saw NRATNS perform live once before, but they only played a short set, as they were one out of two bands opening for Kings of Leon. I had bought tickets for that concert thinking that I would get to see a full set performed by NRATNS, but alas, they were only one of two opening acts that night. I was extremely pumped up when I saw an app notification that this very band was going to be traveling on tour for their newly released album Tearing At The Seams. I grabbed Jian by the shoulders & begged him to go to this concert with me. He was reluctant at first, since he was waffling back & forth on whether or not he should go chase down Arctic Monkeys (who are currently gearing up for a new album & possible album tour in the near future by appearing at all the music festivals) at the Firefly Festival in Dover, DE or at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery. In the end, Jian decided to spend his birthday with me watching NRATNS perform all their greatest hits like: S.O.B., You Worry Me, I need Never Get Old, Hey Mama, & Howling At Nothing. I can’t wait to bust out my NRATNS band t-shirt & a worn-in denim jacket, grab a whiskey libation in the VIP lounge (yes, we shelled out a little more buckaroos for VIP tickets because we’re extra like that, & we like clean, private bathrooms) & rock out to one of my all-time favorite rock bands.

Nathaniel Rateliff and the Night Sweats9A

Aside from all of that, I had a cousin stay at my place this past week for her Spring Break holiday. This cousin that came to visit & I are very close in relationship (even though we are not close in age whatsoever), & I was so surprised & touched that she asked to spend her precious break time from university at my house. I mean, this is my cousin’s first official Spring Break holiday as a university student, & I was kind of expecting her to want to spend that time with her friends, or with her new (& first) boyfriend, or at least go home, be lazy, & veg out on the couch. She stayed for the week, & we had a blast together soaking up the beautiful weather, playing board games in the evenings, & just spending quality time having heart-to-heart chats about life, school, & love. I feel like I’ve learned so much more about my cousin & how much she’s evolved, more so than maturing because she’s always been extremely mature for her age, so I don’t doubt her existing maturity (or young wisdom) at all. It was so much fun, & I do hope that my cousin takes up my invitation of visiting my place again but with her boyfriend next time.

In more somber news, major events happened over the last half of the month that were just extremely tragic & upsetting. Everything happened practically within the span of one week. I’m not going to go into any details, to respect the privacy of those closest to me who are directly involved, but I can only say that it is extremely difficult to process sudden loss. I know this from first-hand experience, which is something I don’t wish on anybody. Seeing the people most closest to me going through such a difficult time in their lives only brings back my memories of what I’ve gone through in my own life & with my family. I think a lot about my dad & his side of the family, about how my dad came from a large family, & now only approximately 1/3rd of the family remains. My grandparents & their generation: long gone. My uncles & aunts: gone, all of them. My dad: now going on the 6th anniversary of his passing. All that’s left are the spouses who married into the family, & their children from my generation. I do have a few nephews & nieces from the next generation, but our family tree has been greatly reduced. I can only offer my utmost support to those in my life who are experiencing loss at a time like this. Our circumstances aren’t exactly the same, but I can offer my own version of care & support.

I think I’m going to end my blog post here because I don’t want to get into too much sad detail. Even after all this time, it’s hard for me to wrap my head around all of this, & it makes me think of my dad’s situation all over again. Until next time, cheers.

Today’s song of the day:

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