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Change in environment freaks me out. It makes me feel anxious & very unsettled. That’s probably why I am a creature of habit. I watch the same TV show episodes & movies over & over again, & don’t really look for new things to watch. I do all of my daily routines in the exact same order every time. I like things to (mostly) always stay the same.
That has also trickled down in to my little bean’s life as well. She eats roughly around the same time everyday, takes her nap around the same time daily, & bathe around the same time before bedtime as well. This has programmed her body to naturally want to eat & sleep around the same times every day. While these habits are good to build structure in my little bean’s life, it also provides a sense of comfort for me as well because I know what to expect each day.
Tomorrow Jian & I have an appointment to take a tour of a potential daycare facility we might want our little bean to start attending. My mom has been hounding pushing us for months & months to send our little bean to daycare. She & Jian have both been pushing the narrative that our little bean needs to learn to interact more with other kids her own age & not stay cooped up in the house all day with no other kids to play with. However, I also know that they want a break from our little bean, so they have time for themselves.
Yes, it is important for our little bean to learn to play with others & interact with kids her own age. She needs to develope her own social skills & become more independent, but I’m terrified to let her go. Sending our little bean to daycare, even if it’s once or twice a week, scares me so much. I am having a very tough time coming to terms with letting her out of my white knuckle grasp.
Our little bean was born during the height of COVID-19 pandemic lockdowns. For the past 2 & a half years, she has always stayed by my side, & I was able to use the pandemic as an excuse to delay the inevitable…sending our little bean to daycare or to even hire a babysitter for a couple of hours. Just thinking about it sends alarm bells ringing in my head.
I have not been able to stop overthinking about tomorrow’s appointment. I know we are only going to take a tour of the daycare place. Who knows if they’ll even have availability for our little bean to go there. However, this kind of major change in her life & in mine, it freaks me out, & I don’t know how to cope with my anxiety.
I understand that I cannot keep our little bean locked in our house forever. I will have to let her grow up sooner rather than later. I am just overthinking things. My heart will break seeing her cry & cling to me as I drop her off at her future daycare place. I will also feel super embarrassed to see all the other parents glare/stare at me while my child throws a fit as I drop her off; the whole time I will be thinking internally that the other parents are judging me.
My mind is racing even as I am writing this post. The more I think about it, the more my thoughts become illogical. I think I should stop this post here for now. Until the next post, cheers.
Today’s song of the day:
I hope you read my previous blog post. If you didn’t, well, I’ll spare you the details & let you know straight off that I’m incubating a human life form inside of my body. If you did read my last post, then you can kind of already figure out what I am about to tell you all.
You see, I am nearly at the end of my procreation cycle (a.k.a. my pregnancy). I only have a a couple more weeks to go before it’s actually “go time”, & I’ll have to rush off to the hospital to produce this offspring I have been going on about. I am planning on taking another break from writing in this blog. After all, I am going to need some much deserved time to nest & bond with the blessed child.
Also, I have been quite busy (& in a frantic mood) these past few weeks. From taking online prenatal/newborn care classes, to preparing my hospital travel bag, to making sure the nursery is fully-equipped for the child’s arrival… I am hyper focused on making sure I’ve got all of my “to-do’s” done on time so that I can relax a bit before the official due date approaches.
Geez, if you could only see me now. My midsection is absolutely ginormous. I look like I am hiding an overinflated basketball underneath my shirt. Otherwise, things are going as well as can be expected. I am taking things day-by-day, window shopping on the internet for cute, tiny human clothes. I am also extremely excited that the lockdown restrictions in my region of California has eased up somewhat & are now allowing in-person hair salon appointments, provided both the customer & the store adheres to strict social distancing & Covid policies/guidelines. It’s been almost one year since I’ve cut my hair, & it’s practically going to kiss my ass before this child arrives. So, I’m planning on getting one more much needed haircut before the baby arrives.
That’s pretty much the last thing I have to do before I finally pop. I’m semi-officially signing off for the next few weeks. Until next time, cheers baby!
Today’s song of the day:
The year 2020 has been hectic for everyone. I consider myself to be one of the extremely few ‘lucky’ ones who hasn’t been greatly impacted by the pandemic & all of our world’s troubles. However, I do feel guilty that I am in a better place than most.
You see, before this global pandemic reached…well, global proportions…I was able to complete my 4th and final round of the In-Vitro Fertilization procedure. (Yes folks, it took me FOUR TRIES to finally get the right combination.) Before all of the hospitals & clinics scaled back a good portion of their operations in order to deal with Madame ‘Rona, I completed my final round of IVF, and it was a success. Yes, that means what you think it means, which means that Jian & I have procreated & spawned a new life form. (It’s going to be a girl, by the way.)
In the beginning of this whole chapter of my life, I couldn’t quite process what I was feeling. I felt a little worried, a little anxious, somewhat excited, but leaning more toward indifferent. I didn’t really have any positive or negative feelings during the whole process. I guess I was saving up all of my emotions until I found out definitively in the end whether the process was a success or not. Once I found out that my 4th & final embryo transfer procedure was a success, I was stunned…but in a good way. It finally happened. I got pregnant. I am now going to be somebody’s mother & not just the ‘fun aunt’ anymore.
I realize it’s taken me several months to write up a post on this blog, & it’s not for lack of inspiration or writing creativity. It has mostly been because I have been taking the time since my positive discovery & throughout this pandemic lockdown, to hunker down & nest with my unborn child. No, I haven’t been reading up on all the popular mommy books or blogs, but I have been reading one parenting book written by a woman from her own motherly perspective. It’s called “Bringing Up Bébé: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting”. This is not your typical “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” over-psychoanalyzing parenting book. This one’s a real page-turner. I have even gone so far as to highlight my favorite quotes & paragraphs from the book that I plan to implement in my own parenting philosophy. This is a highly recommended read.
I have also been taking plenty of naps & snacking away to my heart’s content, which brings me to another topic, one that I am reluctant to talk about because I have very little knowledge on the subject except for what I am currently going through.
My whole pregnancy up until now has been all rainbows & sunshine (despite the global pandemic disaster all around us). Jian has been working from home ever since our entire state has been in an on-again-off-again lockdown status. This has worked out well in my favor because he is able to drive me to all of my in-person clinic visits, & join me on all of my doctor-to-patient video chats & classes. It’s just a little disappointing that he can’t physically go into the clinic with me when I have to see the midwives.
It was also a bummer when I had to go to the clinic to get a bunch of blood tests & genetic screenings done & ultimately found out that I had gestational diabetes. Now I have to watch what I eat & count carbs, & oh…I also have to prick my finger & test my blood sugar levels FOUR TIMES a day. It sucks that I have to go through this when I’ve been careful about what I’ve been eating throughout my whole pregnancy thus far, & I have been regularly exercising. However, I learned that a lot of this diagnosis has to do with my genetics, my placenta, & my overall body make. At least this is controllable if I follow all of the doctor’s orders, & I will be rid of this in no time.
On a lighter note, as I have said before, I have never wanted this blog to become another mommy blog, so I haven’t really documented my pregnancy journey (except for the meticulous notes I keep when I meet with the midwives). As of right now, I am not planning on sharing a whole lot about my life with my future child, which I have nicknamed “little bean”. First of all, I am waaay too lazy to start a ‘mommy & me’ journal. Second, I don’t want to put my kid on social media or the internet straight away. So, this post is probably the most amount of details & information you’ll get out of me regarding this matter.
I am nearly at the home stretch of my pregnancy. Yes ladies & gentlemen, I am already three-quarters through my pregnancy. Jian & I have pretty much got everything covered regarding setting up the nursery & gathering all of the necessary supplies before the blessed child is born (except we haven’t stocked up on diapers just yet). We are in the process of taking all of the suggested-yet-politely-required parenting classes offered by our hospital’s Labor & Delivery department. We have even already purchased our stroller & car seat, & have tested it out multiple times just to make sure we got the hang of using it before the child arrives.
I am currently sitting in Jian’s dark home office, during our state’s unbearable summer heat wave, sweating my ass off while writing this blog post. I don’t have much else important to say on this topic. Right now I feel like the female equivalent of a male penguin sitting on its egg waiting for the damn thing to hatch. So far, I’ve been trying to teach my little bean all about music. We’ve been listening to all kinds of music from jazz, to the 1960s British invasion, to1980s new wave, to whatever’s popular on the radio today. I’ve been trying to teach my little bean about band like The Clash, The Smiths, Weezer, & even Wham!. Hey, I want my kid to know all of the good stuff, not just 30-second snippets of catchy/dance-y rap songs off of TikTok.
So finally, it’s time for my daily nap. Plus it’s just to freaking hot to write any more in this post. I am going to bid you ‘aurevoir’ for now, & get back to eating my low carb, low sugar yogurt. Cheers!
Today’s song of the day:
Rabbits & Foxes 
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