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Change in environment freaks me out. It makes me feel anxious & very unsettled. That’s probably why I am a creature of habit. I watch the same TV show episodes & movies over & over again, & don’t really look for new things to watch. I do all of my daily routines in the exact same order every time. I like things to (mostly) always stay the same.
That has also trickled down in to my little bean’s life as well. She eats roughly around the same time everyday, takes her nap around the same time daily, & bathe around the same time before bedtime as well. This has programmed her body to naturally want to eat & sleep around the same times every day. While these habits are good to build structure in my little bean’s life, it also provides a sense of comfort for me as well because I know what to expect each day.
Tomorrow Jian & I have an appointment to take a tour of a potential daycare facility we might want our little bean to start attending. My mom has been hounding pushing us for months & months to send our little bean to daycare. She & Jian have both been pushing the narrative that our little bean needs to learn to interact more with other kids her own age & not stay cooped up in the house all day with no other kids to play with. However, I also know that they want a break from our little bean, so they have time for themselves.
Yes, it is important for our little bean to learn to play with others & interact with kids her own age. She needs to develope her own social skills & become more independent, but I’m terrified to let her go. Sending our little bean to daycare, even if it’s once or twice a week, scares me so much. I am having a very tough time coming to terms with letting her out of my white knuckle grasp.
Our little bean was born during the height of COVID-19 pandemic lockdowns. For the past 2 & a half years, she has always stayed by my side, & I was able to use the pandemic as an excuse to delay the inevitable…sending our little bean to daycare or to even hire a babysitter for a couple of hours. Just thinking about it sends alarm bells ringing in my head.
I have not been able to stop overthinking about tomorrow’s appointment. I know we are only going to take a tour of the daycare place. Who knows if they’ll even have availability for our little bean to go there. However, this kind of major change in her life & in mine, it freaks me out, & I don’t know how to cope with my anxiety.
I understand that I cannot keep our little bean locked in our house forever. I will have to let her grow up sooner rather than later. I am just overthinking things. My heart will break seeing her cry & cling to me as I drop her off at her future daycare place. I will also feel super embarrassed to see all the other parents glare/stare at me while my child throws a fit as I drop her off; the whole time I will be thinking internally that the other parents are judging me.
My mind is racing even as I am writing this post. The more I think about it, the more my thoughts become illogical. I think I should stop this post here for now. Until the next post, cheers.
Taking care of a tiny, dependent human being takes up 20 hours of a single day. The other 4 hours are allocated to shopping online for diapers and Costco-sized tubs of formula powder. I really have to tip my hat & give a heartfelt thanks to all of the nurses, midwives & pediatricians who helped me through my delivery process in the hospital. It was through their routine harassment check-ups, day & night, that my little bean learned right from the start to eat & sleep on a fairly regular schedule.
Many, if not all, of the pre-existing parents in my life forewarned me about a severe lack of sleep once this little bean officially arrives, but so far (*knock on wood*) Jian & I have managed to get a decent amount of sleep. We go to sleep & take regular naps at the same time, & we both get up together whenever our little bean wakes up. We also do all the baby tasks together, like changing diapers (one does the changing while the other makes sure she doesn’t spit up any residual milk all over her clothes).
So far, with all of my accumulated knowledge of taking care of a small child, I have been able to navigate motherhood without much doubt & insecurity. One major helping factor is that Jian & I have been training our little bean to stay on a somewhat regular schedule. This has made her moods & routines quite predictable & on-time (which is approximately every 3 to 4 hours).
It takes many hands on deck to take care of this little one. So, it’s an absolute blessing that, due to COVID-19 restrictions in my area, Jian is now working from home for the foreseeable future. Also since his work schedule is pretty flexible, he is able to help out & not have to take any paternity time off. We are super blessed & grateful for this family bonding time together.
That pretty much sums up my current life for the past 2 months. Even with an extra set of hands at home to help us with emergencies & extra tasks, it’s been more of a challenge (to put it lightly) than relief… but that’s a story for another time. I have to go now and fill up another days worth in the diaper pail. Until next time, cheers babes!
Today’s song of the day:
Well, it’s been raining fairly hard here where I live. Yesterday, I sat at a cozy corner window seat in the local big box coffee shop down the street from my house, sipping my heavily creamed coffee & nibbling on a too-small-to-satisfy-my-appetite breakfast sandwich. I was feeling inspired while watching the rain pour down outside,& it was warm, dry, & comfortable inside. I originally planned to write this blog post yesterday, but got distracted by Instagram & Spotify, so I ended up wasting my time at the coffee shop creating playlists & liking overly staged/edited glamour photos.
Today we have a break in the wet weather, but it’s quite cloudy & foggy where I live, so that atmosphere is also keeping me inspired to write today. I am now sitting in my kitchen with the electric heater on low, & drinking an unfortunately rapidly cooling cup of home-brewed coffee. Oh, I almost forgot to mention that I’ve got my Spotify app playing lovely café jazz music in the background. It’s putting me in a good mood to write some other frivolous & somewhat unimportant things. My blog tends to be filled with fluff posts anyway.
Well, to jump right into things. I recently have been hooked on watching home architecture/design shows about floating water homes, & it got my memories flowing of when I was a young child imagining my dream fantasy home. The one memory that stands out the most is one of myself living in a floating home. Well, I guess they used to be called house boats back in the old days of the 1980s & 90s, but now they’re called floating homes. I’ve always been fascinated by the design & architecture of homes floating on the water, docked like sail boats & yachts. It has been a secret fantasy/dream/desire of mine to live in a floating home. This dream has become more intense after watching all those HGTV-style shows about people custom building their own floating homes.
This is so unusual for me to even consider. I am not really such a big fan of being in or near water. I am not a good swimmer. I took swimming lessons as a kid, but only enough lessons to pass my swimming test & earn my certificate. I now know only enough swimming basics to keep me from drowning if I ever fell into a pool, or fell off a boat. I don’t even really like to swim. I am also not a big fan of beaches or boats (even though I have been on a few cruise ships in my day). I’ve only gone canoeing once in my life, & don’t get much opportunity to do that again. I am also obviously not a jet skier nor water skier. Well, I guess that means I won’t be moving to Hawaii anytime soon. However, I’ve always dreamed of living on a house boat (a.k.a. floating home).
Floating home architecture has always intrigued me, & I’ve always thought it would be amazing to live in a unique home on a quiet strip of water overlooking beautiful outdoor landscapes with only a few neighbors nearby. I don’t know how I would handle severe weather conditions (like turbulent winter waters), but I would still like to live on a house boat. Being able to custom build my own floating home would be so cool & interesting. I don’t think I would want to take on the challenge of retrofitting & remodeling an existing boat or barge, but building an actual home on a floating foundation is probably the architectural route I would take. I saw one episode of a show where this Dutch couple designed an entire wall made of floor-to-ceiling windows, with panoramic doors that fully open to showcase the water landscape. The wife playfully asked the husband, “Who’s going to clean all the windows?”. That brought up a good point in my mind, since I am such a neat freak, I wouldn’t want to spend all of my day washing windows…especially if I have to stand outside, hovering over the open waters (with my extremely limited swimming skills). So, let’s just conclude that I wouldn’t put too many panoramic windows in my design. Also, I would like to have the option to be able to strut around my house in my birthday suit without the prying eyes of any nosy snoops. I’ve compiled a small collection of inspirational photos for reference to what I’m looking for in my fantasy house boat. As you can tell from the photos below, I am kind of a big fan of the minimal, contemporary architecture style.
(All photos courtesy of Pinterest.)
Don’t get me wrong. I love the house I’m living in now. I live in the beautiful Eichler home I was born & raises in, in a wonderfully quiet & tame suburban neighborhood, & I could not imagine planting my roots anywhere else, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to also own a floating house boat one day, maybe use it as a vacation home. I’m just describing a childhood fantasy I once had. Who knows? Maybe this will happen one day… One can dream. Until then, cheers!
Today’s song of the day:
Rabbits & Foxes 
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