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After being severely ill (unfortunately after Christmas, I got the flu virus that everyone’s passing around these days), & getting through the new year, I’ve decided to gather all of my random thoughts, ideas, & other bits & bobs floating around in my head. This idea suddenly came to me the other day after I had dreamt two very bizarre & completely unrelated dreams. Here goes nothing.
1.) This thought has been stuck in my brain for a long time now, & I’m finally going to express it here. You know that song by Demi Lovato called SorryNotSorry? Well, I get the generic meaning of the song, you know, all about empowerment & not letting haters bring you down & all that good stuff. Well, every single time I hear that song on the radio, which is about 80 times a day, I can’t help but feel like this song is misinterpreting it’s own meaning. What I’m trying to say, to put it bluntly, is that I think this song is openly & arrogantly bragging about how much better you are than all your haters. Dude, there’s no subtle way to insert a “humble brag”. Bragging is in no way humble (or acceptable). To me, this song is just one long, public Cuss You to some bro you dated who disrespected your relationship, so you had to kick him to the curb, & then publicly shame him with your arrogant, pretentious lyrics. If you’re going to prove to someone or a group of haters that you’re doing better than they expected, or that you actually came out on top in the end, then show them! You don’t need to write an entire brag song about how much better off you are. Prove it with your results, your actions, & most importantly, don’t throw it in their faces & rub it in. Now that also just proves that you’re not actually better off, & that you’re stooping to their level, which I hope you vowed you’d never do. I can’t wait until this song finally loses its popularity & we can get better music on the radio.
2.) I have come to the conclusion that I could never own a pet. Don’t get me wrong. I love animals. However, I don’t feel any sort of emotional attachment to any particular animals. I’m not a cat person, nor am I Team Dog. Some of my relatives have dogs. I have a few friends who own both dogs & cats. They’re all great pets, well behaved & fun to play with, but it doesn’t make me have any feelings of wanting a pet of my own. I just can’t imagine myself getting so emotionally attached to a pet, or spending so much money on one animal. I can get by on financing my own human lifestyle. I can’t imagine the cost of having a pet (toys, food, medical, etc.). Pets are fun to play with, it I don’t want one for myself. This past weekend I saw all the fuss & complicated plans my friends went through with taking care of their dogs just to be able to go to a rock concert for one night. With all of the traveling that I do, I don’t think a pet would fit into my life. Jian constantly jokes about getting a dog, but when I remind him of how much work goes into caring for a pet, he immediately backs off of the subject. So, in the end, no pets for me.
3.) I have become irrationally infatuated with a popular UK actor. My fascination with this actor has become almost to the point of unhealthy & obsessive. This actor is currently making his rounds on all of the media outlets (magazine articles, talk show interviews, press tour Q&A’s). His most anticipated movie is premiering this weekend. I have been ardently following stalking his press tour on the internet lately, & the more I get to know this actor, the more endearing & attractive he becomes to me. I wish I could just let him go or better yet, block him from my mind. He’s just another incredibly good-looking Hollywood star. These types of guys are splashed all over the entertainment media news all the time. However, I am way too attracted to him. It only bums me out that this guy is very happily married to someone else with a growing family. I want him to be happy, of course, but my inner fangirl is both jealous & envious of the woman who holds his heart all to herself. I hope that once all the hoopla surrounding this guy’s highly anticipated movie dies down…like after the movie has been released…I can take a step away from his fandom & take a much needed breath/break. It’s kind of naiive & stupid of me to say this because as much as I try to take a step away from this actor’s fandom, I get thrust right back into the thick of it. Last weekend when I was in Los Angeles to watch The Killers in concert, I ran into this very actor while we were both eating at the same Italian restaurant. I spotted him having dinner with his wife & his agent a couple of short tables diagonally across from mine. I was of course fangirling & freaking out on the inside, but trying to act discreet & polite on the outside. Out of respect for this man, I did not take any stealthy ninja-like photos under the table with my smartphone. I did not approach him for an autograph or small talk. I very much kept to myself & observed him having a very animated yet quiet dinner with his dining companions as mentioned previously. As much as the crazy fangirl inside of me wanted him to notice me &/or pay any attention to me, I let him carry on with his life, & I carried on with mine…all the while, ogling this man from afar in a sort of non-discreet fashion.
4.) Speaking of fandoms, I have just secured my forever fandom of the rock band The Killers. I just went to one of their arena tour concerts, & it was one of the most memorable highlights of my concert-going experiences. I’ve already seen The Killers perform in concert 3 other times, & they were always in smaller concert venues. This time Jian & I made a weekend trip down to Los Angeles to see them perform at the Staples Center (where the Lakers play basketball). Man, oh man! I screamed & sang my lungs/heart out. I was buzzing with anticipation for this concert ever since I bought my ticket. It wasn’t only because we were going to see The Killers live, but we were also going to the concert with our best friends who have never been to a single music concert in their lives. They had no idea of the epic-ness that was about to blow their minds away. The four of us had the best time singing along & dancing in our seats. One thing I can definitely say about Brandon Flowers, the lead singer & co-founder of the band, is that he is a true showman with an incredible voice & vocal range. I guess that the Las Vegan in him. I mean, he is from fabulous Las Vegas, Nevada after all, & when The Killers celebrated the grand reopening of the newly renovated convention center in Las Vegas, Brandon walked on to the stage with two glammed-up showgirls on each arm. The band (at the time, consisting of only 2 original members & new back-up members) was so amazing to their fans. The biggest highlight of the concert was when they invited a teenage fan in the audience to come on to the stage to perform a song with them. That teenage girl totally killed it on the drums to the song “For Reasons Unknown”. The whole crowd was going nuts for this fan who got a once-in-a-lifetime experience with a seriously cool, caring, & heartwarming band. I will always remain a diehard fan of The Killers.
5.) While we’re on the subject of music & bands, I just wanted to make a note that I have become obsessed with the band Portugal. The Man! This band has captured my heart (& my listening ears). I love how all of the band members grew up together since their high school days living in Alaska. When being interviewed, the band often mentions that their parents were all supportive of them all being in a band together, & their parents encouraged their musical aspirations. It’s not only that their songs have catchy melodies & hooks, but their song lyrics are so incredible & creative. I love how the band writes songs about their families, historical & current social issues, & about this current generation of millennials. Some of my favorite songs include:
6. I’m so pumped up for this 2018 Winter Olympics!! I love watching the Olympics every time they’re broadcast on TV. I love the winter games more than the summer games, but my most favorite part is the opening ceremonies. I love seeing what each host city will create to showcase their city & country. Every time a new city is announced as the host city, I get super excited for the next Olympics. I am the most excited for the 2020 Tokyo Summer Olympics, & I am hoping that I can arrage it so that I can actually be in Tokyo during that time…like try to stay with my cousins or some friends, but we’ll see. Until then, I’m going to enjoy these winter games in South Korea. I’m off to watch the opening ceremonies on TV now. Cheers!
Today’s song of the day:
December is one of the months in the calendar that brings up mixed feelings for me. I love the winter season. I love decorating the house for Christmas. I love the festive holiday cheer. However, I don’t like that it’s already the end of the year, & you’re left wondering where all that time has gone. The year has passed too quickly. I don’t want to say that I can feel my life flashing before my own eyes, but I do feel it. It’s all going by in a tidal wave of a rush.
Right now I don’t want to think about all of that. I want to focus on the awesomeness that is this winter holiday season. I am so proud of myself that yet again, I was able to assemble our faux Christmas tree all by myself. We’ve had our fake tree for nearly 20 years, & I must say that it has been money well spent, & our family has definitely put this tree to good use. My dad & I have always been allergic to the pine needles, pollen, & sap from real trees, so my dad decided to invest in a high-quality (& expensive) faux Christmas tree. Plus, my dad always hated trudging to the tree lot to find some scrawny tree with half the needles already shedding, then trying haphazardly to secure the tree to the roof of our family car. The one part that my dad hated the most was having to affix the tree stand to the trunk of the tree & trying to get it to look somewhat straight (or at least close enough to my mom’s standards). Then, having to remember to water the tree daily & sweeping the constantly shedding needles. It was super annoying & a major hassle…not to mention that my severe allergies would kick in the moment my dad hauled the tree inside the house. It was just easier (& better for the environment) for my dad to invest in a faux tree.
I love our fake Christmas tree. It’s sometimes tedious to assemble due to all of the components, but to me it’s well worth it when you see the finished results with all of the lights strung up & ornaments hung with care. I absolutely enjoy putting our ever- growing collection of ornaments on our tree, but the one part I dislike the most & often try to avoid is stringing the lights on the tree. I just don’t know how to string the lights on the tree evenly, & I’m constantly getting the direction of the strings mixed up, so the “male” & “female” plugs don’t match up. It’s so frustrating to me, so I usually get my mom’s help (& rely on her skilled artistic direction) to string up the tree lights. Then, I’m all set to hang up the ornaments.
Every year, per my dad’s annual tradition, I try to get at least one or two (sometimes 6 or more) new ornaments to add to our already over-crowded tree. I so very much enjoy shopping for new Christmas ornaments. It’s become such a major part of our family’s Christmas traditions that I’ve even managed to rope Jian in on all the fun. He enjoys helping me shop for new decorations to add to our tree. This year, I didn’t really see any special ornaments that caught my eye, but Jian was able to find a set of minimalist ornaments at Target that match our tree. He helped me hang the ornaments on the tree, & we were successfully able to get the tree fully decorated within a few short hours. I turned on my Punk/Ska/Alt-Rock Christmas playlist for Spotify, & we found our groove & had the tree decorated in less time than I had anticipated. I am quite pleased with the results this year.
We don’t really stick to one theme or color scheme on our tree other than”the more colors, the merrier”. I am always on the hunt for fun, unique, & yet practical ornaments that display a special reference/meaning to a family member. For example, I got 3 different Buddha ornaments to represent my mom’s belief in Buddhism. I picked out a beer glass for Jian because at one phase in his life he was super into discovering various craft beers. Also just for fun, we got an ornament shaped like a tin of caviar in honor of my sister (for her love of fish egg condiments, & her tendency of being extra & bougie). My mom picked out a strawberry because my nephew & youngest niece love eating strawberries & could probably inhale one pound of strawberries in one sitting (if their mom let them). I also snuck in one rabbit ornament & one fox ornament because I just had to incorporate some sort of vague reference to this blog, but also because those are two of my favorite woodland animals. Those are just a few examples of the ornaments on our Christmas tree.
I can’t wait to see the looks on the faces of our friends & family when they see our tree this year. It’s going to be so festive & fun. Until then, cheers everyone!
Today’s song of the day:
September has come & gone, & I’ve been pretty busy. Between scheduling visits to see my doctor about the health & maintenance of my lady parts, & family events, & anniversaries (of sorts), it’s been a pretty hectic time for me. I’ve been inwardly thinking a lot latey, & there have been a few key things that have been circling around in my scattered brain.
First things first, this past month officially marked the 5-year anniversary of my father’s death. I rarely discuss this topic to anyone, ever. Ocassionally I’ll talk to Jian, but I mostly keep this topic to myself. This is an extremely sensitive subject within my immediate family, & I have an even more extremely difficult time trying to talk about this topic with any of my family members. I really have to walk on eggshells around my family if I even mention my dad in passing. I wish I was exaggerating on this, but unfortunately I’m not.
This is an especially difficult subject to talk about around my mom because this will just re-open an old can of doubt she carries around with her in her expensive hand bag at all times. It’s hard to pull her out of her cycle of self-doubt once she gets on the Coulda-Woulda-Shoulda train. I also never talk about this subject with my siblings. We just don’t express our feelings to each other. That’s not what we were taught growing up, to communicate & express our feelings between each other.
I’ve tried talking about my dad to my oldest brother, in which we share this biological father together, but he flat out doesn’t respond whenever I mention “dad”. My other two siblings, on the other hand, are too busy squabbling amongst themselves over their extremely strained & estranged relationship with their own biological father. All of them, due to our glaringly large age gaps, I assume, treat me from childhood up until today like I am just the little baby sister of the group. To them, I’m the spoiled, sheltered, coddled baby of the family. So, I’ve learned to stay quiet & shrink into the background.
On the day of the anniversary of my dad’s death, I thought about him long & hard. However, I mostly thought about how I never got to properly grieve over his death. I never got to mourn his passing. From the time my dad was taken to the hospital up until his death, I did what I always do best. I nurtured & cared for others. More than myself, I took care of everyone else. So, while all of our friends & family poured in to see my dad, hold his hand, shed a tear, say goodbye, I was busy making phone calls & comforting those who were agonizing & weeping over the phone. I wanted to break down & cry my eyes out until they hurt, but I held it all in. I wanted to scream & shout & stomp my feet & pound my fists, but I didn’t want to freak my mom out any more than she already was. Because I didn’t want to see my (at that time) fragile mother completely lose it, I held my composure so that I could be her realiable shoulder to lean on. When everyone around me was crying, I kept a stiff upper lip. I’ve now built this hard shell around the topic of my father. I keep everything to myself. I only let my emotions & feelings slip out when I am completely & utterly alone. No one ever asked me how I felt when my dad was dying. Nobody asks me, even now, how I’m coping (or feeling). I’ve grown accustomed to it.
On another topic, I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that I will never see eye-to-eye with my sister. We never did when we were growing up together, we don’t now, & I don’t think we ever will in the future. For a brief period of time, I thought my sister & were growing closer as siblings once she started having children. My sister relied on me to help her with the little things like running to the grocery store, or babysitting the toddler kids for a few hours.
Then, when my sister went through the process of her divorce, she grew to become a very difficult person to get close to. She became increasingly controlling in all aspects of her life to the point of overbearingness. It also became difficult to have a conversation with her, even on neutral subjects, for she would get argumentative very quickly.
I always give my sister the benefit of the doubt; I cut her plenty of slack; I give her countless breaks because I know she is struggling & doing her best to be a good hard-working single parent. My sister is struggling to raise her two amazing children, all while juggling a difficult job environment, an overbearing cuss of a boss, & a resistant ex-husband who allegedgly refuses to properly co-parent their children together. While I try to make my sister’s life a little easier by offering to help her in any way I can, she ends up taking advantage of my assistance, & she often tells me that my help is actually not helping her at all. I know my sister has past unresolved issues, extreme insecurities, & a lot of resentment due to her parents divorce (a.k.a. our mom & her biological father) when she was a child, but because she hasn’t dealt with these issues, she unwittingly takes out her resentments on the people around her.
I know she doesn’t mean to project her insecurities & issues on others (myself included), but I can’t help but think to myself sometimes that I should be taken out of her “line of fire” because all of this divorce stuff happened way before I was even born. Why should she take out her resentments & issues out on me, when I wasn’t even born? On top of that, I have no connection to her father whatsoever. I’ve barely met him a handful of times throughout my entire life, & we’ve never spoken more than 1 or 2 sentences to each other at best. I don’t hold anything against my sister. I know these are her own demons to slay, but I can’t help but think that she’s not making things any better by snapping at other innocent people.
The third item I want to talk about is coming from a completely different direction. I want to talk about the dreams I’ve been having lately. I wish I could remember the dreams I’ve been having lately. They’ve been extremely vivid & detailed. For the past several days, I’ve fallen into a terrible sleeping pattern. I’ll try to go to bed at a more reasonable hour than I have been in the past. I really am trying to change my sleeping habits. However, for the past several days I’ve been waking up feeling extremely groggy, exhausted, & like my mind has been on overdrive all night long.
Some mornings I’ll even wake up with a sore back, noticing that I was in such a deep sleep the night before that I didn’t even move or change positions while I was sleeping. My body was frozen into one position all night. I will wake up feeling like I’d only taken a nap & had not really had a full night’s sleep. I can sometimes recall bits & pieces of my dreams in the morning, but mostly all I can remember is that in my dreams there were a lot of action scenes & lots of talking. There was one morning when I woke up & I could remember that I had intense thoughts in my dream, like I knew what my dream-state character was thinking in the dream. I could remember whether I was running or walking in my dream. I could vaguely remember talking to other people in my dream. I remember one scene perfectly, where I was trying to climb a set of stairs in the backyard of my house, & the stairs were crumbling beneath me. I could practically feel the soft wood when I tried to grab the gate door with my hands. That’s how intense & vivd my dreams were.
My dreams lately have been so action-packed, as in I move around a lot in my dreams, & I’m often moving from place to place in my dreams. I also do a lot of thinking & talking in my dreams. There was one day where I woke up from a particularly intense dream. Well, I mostly woke up because my bladder was screaming at me to go relieve myself in the bathroom. However, after that, I fell back to sleep & had yet another vivid dream. That caused me to feel very disoriented when I finally woke up for the day. These past couple of days of dreaming have really messed up my sleeping patterns, & has kind of done a number on my body. Last week, my sleeping pattern was so out of whack that I ended up getting sick. I caught a fever & the chills, but luckily those symptoms only lasted 24 hours. I was back on my feet again by the time the weekend came around. Now, I can assure you that my sleeping patterns have returned to normal. I stopped having such vivid & detailed dreams, & I’m now waking up feeling more refreshed than groggy.
On one final note, I’m excited to tell you all that in two weeks from now, I’ll be in Taipei, Taiwain!! Yes, I’m going on another trip again, but I can promise you that this trip is not for my personal pleasure. This time I’m escorting & chaperoning my mother & her sister, who haven’t been back to the city where they grew up for more than 35 years. I can understand that these two (senior) sisters are reluctant to travel by themselves, so when my mom causally invited Jian & myself to travel with them, we eagerly said yes. Jian loves Taiwain, & I love to travel with my mom & aunt. Also, I like to take care of my mom, & I want to chaperone her so that she will feel safe & comfortable knowing she has someone with her who can help her & keep her company (besides the company of her loving sister).
My mom is feeling both excited & anxious going back to the city where she grew up after too many years of being away. She’s had countless invitations by her friends & many opportunities to go back to Taipei, but she always declined & found an excuse not to go. This time she put her foot down & decided to go back, or else she might miss her opportunity when she gets older & is no longer able to take long flights. I am so excited to be there with my mom as she relives a little bit of her childhood memories. I feel kind of disappointed that my other siblings (the ones that share the same biological mother with me) don’t do these kinds of things for my mom or with my mom. I understand a little that they each have their own obligations in their lives (like difficult work schedules & raising children), in which they can’t just pack a bag & fly off to wherever, but a part of me feels like they’re missing out on important milestones & memorable experiences with our mother that could bring them closer together.
I am so grateful, appreciative, happy, lucky & fortunate to have opportunities like this, especially ones where I can just drop everything, pack my bags & go without a care in the world. I make sure that I take care of my own personal obligations & tasks first, so that I can enjoy these special moments with my family & friends. I can’t wait to showcase my trip to Taipei. I am not going to promise a travel blog this time. I’m really bad at sticking to those, but I’m going to at least try to upload photos whenever I can. Until then, 干杯 (dry cup), everyone!
Today’s song of the day:
Rabbits & Foxes 
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